Don't Go Towards the Light--How it all Began

It was Christmas day. I was enjoying myself but was exhausted from all the travel and late nights of internet shopping combined with a four month old infant becoming accustomed to her pack'n'play. My parents had invited my cousins and their kids over for Christmas dinner and we all sat talking around the table speaking loudly so we could be heard over the shouting of excited children running through the house. I was telling some ridiculous story involving me and something embarrassing I had done when it all started. My mom placed a tray of desserts in the center of the table and, as I talked, I grabbed for a large peanut butter ball. When I bit down a strange taste entered my mouth and for a split second I thought, "something is wrong," then my world shifted. My vision began to tunnel and grow dimmer and dimmer. Knowing I was nearing the end of my story, I tried to stay focused but I couldn't. Apparently I began to explain to my sister-in-law that I had been poisoned. "The peanut butter candies are poisoned," I kept muttering. Then miraculously I was better. Looking toward a very perplexed face, I smiled at my sister-in-law and said, "that was weird." I don't know who felt more confused by the encounter.


When the company went home that night my sweet husband approached me and asked if I was okay. Apparently he had witnessed my brief madness and was concerned. Assuring him I was fine I began to contemplate, for the first time since the occurrence, what had happened. I thought of the peanut butter ball and questioned whether I had somehow developed a food allergy that had brought on some kind of reaction (remembering that my mom's friend had recently developed an allergy to a z-pak after her third day taking the medication and went into full anaphylactic shock). Instantly I began spinning. I started hearing ringing in my ears, my entire body went tingly and weak. I called for my husband and told him something was wrong. As he took me to the couch to lie down, I felt a tightness in my lungs and a skipping sensation in my heart. Something was definitely wrong. The voices of those around me became muffled and distant. "I think I am having an allergic reaction," I kept repeating. My mom ran and grabbed the Benadryl and I was given a good dose (or two). I felt so foggy and distant, it was getting harder to breath and I thought, "this can't be the end." 


My thoughts kept turning to my sweet babies. My angel boys and the sweet little girl I had just been sent months before. "I just want to hold my babies," I started to say, "please just get my babies." I felt the warmth of my husband sitting next to me and thought how much I loved him. Perhaps I may have also had some less noble thoughts like, "I can't die. I haven't even seen Hunger Games yet." and "Can I really die a brunette," due to my crazy after birth experimentation I had taken on just a few weeks back, but I'm only human. The bottom line--I was dying. Between questions of whether someone should call an ambulance and what my symptoms were so they could conduct an appropriate Google search, I just kept thinking how not ready I was to die. Just don't go towards the light, I had seen the movies and knew how it worked, they couldn't take me if I refused to go (which I actually wholeheartedly don't agree with but in the moment I felt it was worth a try). Just don't go.


"Every search result I'm getting says she is most likely having either anxiety or a panic attack," relayed my sister-in-law. Shame Google, you usually do such a great job at answering my life questions...shame! I began thinking that dying sure was taking a long time. I had seemed to plateau on my symptoms and although I didn't feel any better, my airways hadn't closed up and my heart was still beating (irregularities and all). "I need a blessing, " I told my husband. Within minutes I had three of the men I loved most in my life--and worthy Priesthood holders--around me, hands on my head, blessing me. My head began to clear and although it was difficult to concentrate on the words, I could feel the calming power enter my body. By the end of the blessing I felt hope that I still had life ahead of me. Then I had to be helped to the restroom in a hurry. 


And thus it all began. My life was forever changed.

Formal Introductions

I am a big fan of formal introductions. First impressions once lost are lost forever, right? Well not entirely, we do know that the fabulous Lizzie ends up with the staunch Mr. Darcy after he slowly reveals his true (extremely attractive) self, but for the most part poor first impressions are difficult to overcome. That is why I believe in an honest, candid first impression. I want people to see me for who I am in the beginning. So with no further ado, I would like to formally introduce myself to you, so you know who I am and why I am writing this blog.

My name is Jessica and I am the mother of three beautiful children. After two fairly easy pregnancies and deliveries I became pregnant with my third. A few months after delivery I had a full blown panic attack and a rapid onset of anxiety. I didn't know where to turn for answers. I was in a constant state of physical and emotional turmoil. I began researching anything related to my symptoms (which was helpful sometimes and detrimental most of the time) from postpartum depression to countless physical illnesses. After several doctors appointments, a lot of faith, and a very trying period of my life I have finally begun to function again.

So why write a blog? Obviously I'm not an expert in basically anything (not mental illnesses, mothering, keeping a tidy house, even photography...really anything) but I do feel that everyone, regardless of their formal training, has valuable information to share they have gained through certain unique experiences. Information that needs to be shared! I can remember sitting down with doctors/specialists and explaining my very real, physical symptoms just to have the doctor look at me and say "that is actually pretty normal." What?? Are you kidding me? I felt like I was honestly dying and they told me that my symptoms were completely normal. Well how come when I google them it says that I could have hundreds of different terminal diseases? Maybe you are just writing me off because I look young and healthy when really I'm one of the .0006 percent that actually has ___________ disease. Obviously I didn't say anything to them, at least not so straight forwardly, but I was devastated.

However, as I began talking to more people about my symptoms, the more I began to discover that they were more normal than I had ever known. Yet ironically no one felt that way. I began to recognize the fact that people (at least not your typical person) don't tend to share personal information on the whim. When you ask someone how they are doing they respond, "Okay." not, "I'm actually having a ton of heart palpitations and am worried I could die of heart failure at any moment." But naturally, once someone opens up about certain situations or trials they are going through, a feeling of sharing is ignited. The more I began to openly share what I was going through, with no shame, the more stories I collected of people I knew and respected who had, or knew someone who had, gone through a very similar situation. Months ago I felt so alone in my situation, and now I understand why the doctor's wrote-off my symptoms as normal, because in a lot of ways they were (well not normal as much as not abnormal).

That is why I so strongly wanted to share what I learned (and what I am continuing to learn). I wanted others who are going through a similar situation to have hope. I wanted loved ones of those people to maybe get a glimpse into some of the trials associated with postpartum anxiety and how to support someone through it. But then I thought, why just share about my anxiety? I've constantly learned lessons the hard way so why not share all the little tidbits of information I've gained and maybe save someone a little trouble? Like my husband always says, "You don't know what you don't know until you don't know it." I hope that someone can find an answer they are searching for, that perhaps they didn't know they needed until now, as I share my own 'don't know' insights.