What is happening to me?

So it had all began, and I had not the slightest idea what was happening to me. My thoughts constantly churned trying to understand what could have triggered such a 'near death' experience (okay, so obviously now I recognize that I was not close to death at all, but at the moment it felt so authentic that I strongly believe I can empathize with the feelings of one dying--because to me, at the time, it was real). The attack had brought unusual symptoms with it: my extremities were constantly tingling with a pins and needle sensation, I had difficulty breathing and deep breaths seemed almost impossible, I felt dizzy and my heart felt weak. I was positive my body was no longer getting enough oxygen and although death no longer felt imminent I did believe it would come through a long drawn-out process from something horrible. I knew myself and I knew this was not me. That knowledge made me more anxious about the symptoms I was having. Every day it seemed as though something new was developing--I must be spiraling down towards the end.

Functioning became difficult. All I could focus on was the constant presence of countless symptoms and the fear of another 'episode'. I couldn't drive, run errands, or sit in a restaurant or theater  I didn't want to leave the safety of my house but inside I couldn't convince myself to do much else then meet the basic needs of my children. My husband was filling in the gaps where I could no longer brave. On top of a full load of classes in his second semester of graduate school he was now doing the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, and laundry. At least, I thought, it will be good preparation for when I'm gone and he will have to carry-on as a single dad with three little ones. Pathetic? Not at all, because it was completely real to me.

I went to my OB for an appointment wondering if it had to do with my hormones from having a baby (some of my ailments seemed to worsen for brief periods while I breastfed my little girl). I told the nurse practitioner most of the symptoms I felt were relevant (I didn't want to appear crazy after all :) and she took great concern. Listening to my heart she told me she believed I had a mitral valve prolapse. Apparently during pregnancy as our heart expands to allow for more blood-flow it produces a slight murmur that closes soon after delivery. Apparently mine hadn't. She referred me to a heart specialist and said that she would try to push it through so I could see him as quickly as possible. Terrifying right? Well the weeks waiting for approval from my insurance and then for an appointment were excruciating. I was diligently aware of my heart. I would constantly take my pulse and even began to feel flutters and skipped beats. When I would lay down at night I would start crying knowing that I might not wake up in the morning. My husband would say, "Do you at least want me to hold you while you die?" I always did.

The big day came, my heart had held out long enough to make it to my appointment. They started with an EKG and then the doctor came in to the office to discuss my symptoms. I told him, he listened, and then said, "Your symptoms are actually quite normal. Your EKG came back perfect and I didn't hear anything wrong with your heart." I couldn't believe it. All this waiting just to be told it was all normal. I thought of the countless nights of no sleep, the never ending worry and counting of my heart beats, my poor tingling hands. "You need to get more rest. Try and stay extremely hydrated. Oh, and when you have a hard time breathing just grab a paper-sac to breath into until you feel better." A specialist? Hah! He did order me an ultrasound for the following week just to ease my nerves.

Nothing changed. Well at least not for the good. I began getting a sharp pain in my chest directly above my heart. My skipped beats became more pronounced and I began having this falling feeling when I was lying in bed. Before I even got the results of my ultrasound I was so worked-up I set an appointment with the doctor again--he must have been wrong. He hooked me up to a heart monitor and when all the results were in he told me the devastating news--my heart was completely healthy and strong. How in the world could it be completely healthy? I had several skipped beats, palpitations, and even a few falling sensations while wearing the monitor. I felt confused and disappointed to have not found the solution to my illness. It was out there though and I vowed to find it...as long as I didn't die first.